Okay, “my people,” let’s talk about something that can “choma roho” more than a “cheating scandal kwa BBNaija” – breakups. Specifically, being left by someone you still adore. “Aki woiye!” That feeling can make you want to just curl up with a “duvet ya kilo kumi” (10kg duvet) and a year’s supply of ice cream.
Being left by someone who once whispered sweet nothings in your ear – and whom you still “penda sana sana” – has to be one of the most soul-destroying things ever. “Inauma kama nini!” It hurts like what!. It’s just… awful. Anyone who’s been through it deserves immediate “chapo dabo na Fanta baridi” and all our sympathy, “ama namna gani?”.
However, “ebu,” let’s be real. “Kuna kuachwa na KUACHWA.” There are levels to this “uchungu” . There’s the “very bad” kind of “kuachwa” . And then there’s the “very, VERY bad indeed” kind – the UGLY dump that leaves you wondering if you temporarily lost your mind.
The “At Least Walikuwa Waungwana” Way
First, let’s look at the “merely very bad” way. This is where your partner, who once loved you, “anakuja kiclean” , early, and tells you face to face. They might say something like: “Look, I respect you a lot, and I’m grateful for a million things we’ve shared. It’s just that… something in me has changed. I’ve moved on in my heart. I need to start my next chapter somewhere else. I can and will explain more “pole pole”, don’t worry. For now, I know this is devastating, and you have every right to feel betrayed, to be mad like ‘someone we know’. Please don’t think this means our past was “takataka”. It wasn’t. I simply need something different going forward.”
Now, “make no mistake, hii bado inauma.” It will probably cost you weeks, maybe months, of listening to sad Adele songs on repeat and finishing family-size chocolate bars alone. “Utalia” You’ll cry, you’ll wonder why. But, “my friend,” this is eminently survivable. You will make a full recovery. You can “move on relatively chap chap” (quickly) because at least they gave you some closure, some respect. “Walikuwa waungwana” They were decent people about it.
The “WTF Just Happened?!” Way
“Sasa hapa ndio cinema!” (Now this is where the real drama/movie is!). This is the UGLY way to be left, the kind that makes you question everything, including your own sanity. It starts in complete silence, with your partner pulling some seriously shady moves:
- “Blue ticks galore!” Messages are no longer answered on time, if at all.
- “Ananza tabia za ku-ignore majukumu ya nyumba” They start habits of ignoring house responsibilities. Suddenly, they don’t know where the dustbin is.
- They start flirting with other people “bila aibu”, maybe even on your timeline!
- Sex? “Sahau hiyo story!” Forget!.
- They become “moody kama weather ya Mount Kenya” – ill-tempered, short, grumpy, and “elsewhere.”
- They’re always out late with “mabeste” (friends) who either don’t know you or clearly don’t like you.
The Gaslight Express: “Ni Wewe Uko na Shida!”
And when you finally gather the courage to complain, to ask “Kwani nini mbaya?” What’s wrong?, “wanageuza story kama chapati kwa pan”. The tables are turned, and suddenly you are the problem!
They hit you with accusations: “You’re too intense!” “You’re so controlling!” “You’re too demanding!” “You’re engulfing me!” “Haupendi ku-have fun anymore, unakuwanga serious sana!” You don’t like to have fun anymore, you’re always so serious!. They expertly wait for you to get desperate, to “kupoteza mwelekeo” lose your emotional footing, to doubt yourself – and then they stand back and ask with a face of pure innocence: “Babe, why can’t you just be more relaxed? Kwani a little space in this relationship ni mbaya?”
The “Uno Reverse Card” Breakup: You Dump Them, They Cry Foul!
Eventually, “umechoka” (you’re tired). Your your heart is broken into a million tiny pieces. You have to pull this person aside and say, “Manze, I can’t take this anymore. I think I have to leave; I’m not at peace here.”
And if you’re really unlucky, “hapo ndipo utaona machozi!” that’s when you’ll see tears!. They might burst into tears like “mtoto amenyimwa peremende” and wail, “Nooo! How awful! How could you do this to me/us? What little faith you have in me!” So now, you have to watch them cry and mourn for a relationship they clearly no longer wanted, and you end up feeling like the bad guy, the villain, for ending a misery they did everything not to fix and, in fact, actively created. “Yaani, ni wazimu!” This is psychological jujitsu of the highest order!
The Aftermath: Haunted by “What Ifs” & Self-Blame
For a while, your irritation with their “ujinga” (foolishness/stupidity) and their Oscar-worthy performance obscures the poignant truth in your heart: that “bado unawapenda sana” (you still love them a lot), that you want so much to be with them. And yet, the guilt of the ending rests entirely on your shoulders. “Unajiona wewe ndio ulikuwa mchokozi” (You see yourself as the one who was problematic/the instigator), the impatient one, the one who couldn’t “vumilia” (persevere).
Eventually, your partner will “go off into the night” – tearfully, perhaps, but, as you might fail to note in your distress, without any actual strong protest or effort to make things right. They leave you entirely haunted: “What did I do wrong? Could I have tried harder? Was I too impatient? Did I misread everything?”
You’ll keep imagining – because they’ve done nothing to genuinely persuade you otherwise – that they still love you (just as you cherish them). It’s only that the relationship has mysteriously become “impossible,” maybe because of something very wrong with you. You might even start diagnosing yourself with a “fear of intimacy” or an “anxious attachment style” after a few frantic sessions with Dr. Google. You’ll beg them to return, and if you’re really, really unlucky, they’ll say yes – only to rehearse their entire surreptitious, soul-crushing disengagement a second, a third, or even a fourth time. “Wako so committed to seeming ‘nice’ on the surface, they turn into actual monsters” – and drive you to the very edge of your sanity.
“Sasa Dawa Ni Nini?” Finding Your Footing After the Chaos
Healing from this kind of UGLY breakup is possible, “lakini inataka courage ya simba” (but it needs the courage of a lion). It usually begins when you can finally trace all the lies, the confusion, and the manipulation back to their camouflaged sources.
Recovery often depends on you eventually being able to embrace a simple-sounding but incredibly powerful truth: however tricky things might have been, however many “issues” were present, no relationship ever truly collapses unless – and until – one person quietly, secretly, wants it to. If that person isn’t you, “basi ni yeye!” (then it’s them!). If it’s not me, it’s them. Period.
You can allow yourself to think, at last: “This relationship I revered, this love I poured my heart into, ended only and solely because I had a partner who very privately wanted to get out – but didn’t have the “utu” (humanity/decency) or the “akili” (brains/guts) or simply the emotional equipment to admit as much clearly and kindly.”
The tragedy is that you can be two or three years down the line from a breakup like this before you reach this point of clarity. The waste of time is shocking. The damage to your nerves, your self-esteem, and your sense of reality is enormous. And the knock-on effect on your other attempts to fall in love, to trust again, is equally grave. “Inakuwanga ngumu sana kupona” (It’s usually very hard to heal).
A Message to the “Ghosters” and “Gaslighters”: “Wacheni Hizo!”
So, this is a Public Service Announcement, a message to all exiting partners, “tafadhali!” (please!). Never, ever leave without properly admitting that this is what you are doing. “Own your decision! Kua ngangari!” (Be strong/bold!).
Pay the full emotional price for your intent. Don’t be a coward trying to sneak out the back door while making your partner feel like they are the crazy one. Stop loving someone if you need to; that’s your right, “ni sawa” (it’s okay). “Lakini for the love of God (ama hata chapati!), do your partner the honour, the basic human decency, of telling them unambiguously what has changed in your heart.”
“Wacha kujaribu ku-seem ‘nice’ na結局 unakuwa a terrible human being.” (Stop trying to seem ‘nice’ and in the end, you become a terrible human being). Stop the mind games. Stop the silent treatment. Stop the gaslighting.
Finally, in the only real sense that matters when a heart is on the line, be nice by being honest. “Hiyo ndio upendo wa kweli, hata kwa kuachana.” (That’s true love, even in breaking up). It’s the kindest, most respectful way to close a chapter, even if it hurts like hell in the moment.
